Friday, April 30, 2010

Last Line Blogfest

Lilah Pierce is hosting Last Line Blogfest today (today being Saturday - ignore the time stamp on my post, it's all messed up). This is my entry. It is the end of a chapter taken from my epic fantasy, In the Seventeenth Year. In this scene, Ellis has just learned that her trusted friend Kaden has been working as a spy for the evil King Xavier, and now she's run into him at the outdoor market. Ellis's three sons are on a quest to overthrow Xavier, and their lives are put in danger by Kaden's betrayal.



Ellis's jaw tightened. "He was not watching me. You were watching me for him."

"I must say, I have done my part admirably over the years."

"Did he pay you?" Ellis asked. "Did you sell your soul for gold? Or power?"

"Neither. I have never asked for anything more than retribution, pure and simple. When Xavier visited me the day after my family was murdered, I asked for his help, not the other way around."

Ellis scowled. "Your only motivation is hate. Your heart is even blacker than I imagined."

"Ellis? Is everything all right?" Ellis and Kaden both jumped at the sound of an unexpected voice. Ellis turned to see Bremer watching her, his wide eyes full of concern.

She managed a stilted smile. "Yes, we're fine. Kaden was just saying goodbye."

Bremer eyed Kaden suspiciously, but Kaden ignored him and continued to stare at Ellis. "Yes, we were just saying goodbye. Do take care of yourself, won't you, El?" Limping closer, he wrapped his arm around Ellis and leaned in, putting his mouth against her ear. "Soon you will bury your dead, and then we will be even."

55 comments:

Old Kitty said...

Ooooh!

or should it be Boooooo!

Bad Kaden. Bad bad evil bad Kaden!!

I love this!! Especially the last paragraph - the "kiss" of betrayal - the tension is unbearable and I'm already on Ellis's side and fearing for her and her life and her sons'.

Good grief! I think I need to lie down...

:-)

Take care
x

sarahjayne smythe said...

Great last line, full of menace. Makes me want to know more.

Susan Fields said...

Old Kitty - your comments always make me smile. I'm still smiling...

Sarahjayne - thank you! I haven't looked at this ms in a while. Now I'm itching to get back to it. :)

Christine Danek said...

Ohhh! You have me here. This makes me want to read book. :)
Great job!

Jemi Fraser said...

Yikes! I hope Kaden gets what's coming to him!! Nasty guy.

Piedmont Writer said...

Oohhh, gave me chills! Great job!

Joanne said...

The last line is perfect, leaving just the right suggestion of suspense!

Susan Fields said...

Thanks everyone! Yes, Kaden is a nasty guy - probably why he was so much fun to write. :)

Charity Bradford said...

Lol, Old Kitty said it all.

Susan, this is a wonderful hook. I loved it!

Lynn said...

Love this last scene line! Powerful, displaying conflict and full of suspense. Like Charity said, a great 'hook'. I really enjoyed reading.

Amie McCracken said...

Goodness, there's some venom in that character. Love it! (If you're looking for a critique partner I'd be happy to!)

Jai Joshi said...

Yikes! That's some last line!

I'm intrigued to know what he wants revenge for.

Jai

Elaine AM Smith said...

Wicked last line! The essence of bitter revenge. Well done. :)

Catherine A. Winn said...

That last line...wow...I want to know more!

bryan sabol said...

Yowza! I absolutely love good bad guys! Well done!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Oh, Susan! I forgot the impact of Kaden being on the wrong side had on me when I read IN THE SEVENTEENTH YEAR. Reading it again did the same thing...left me breathless with shock.

Man, I miss being in MO! I can't wait to see some of KESSLER...

T.J. Carson said...

Very interesting I want to hear more. I'm not sure how to feel about the characters just yet, I don't know them well enough but I like them so far and want to get to know them better. I say post more!!!!

T.J. Carson said...

Oh yes and....AHAHHA Angelina Jolie's lips!!! I LOVE IT! REally cracked me up and made my day soooooo much better!!! haha. NIce entry!

Mary McDonald said...

Great last line! I love the tension in the scene when Bremer is watching, but Kaden ignores him and gives the fake smile. Then Kaden drops the line in her ear. Wonderful set up.

VR Barkowski said...

Superbly done, Susan. Wonderful tension and the threat in the last line is amazing! I absolutely want to read more. Why is it the nasty characters are so much fun to write?

F and M said...

This is a fantastic end to a chapter cos it leaves yoiu with the tension and suspense you need to want to keep reading... It was very chilling as well... ***shivers***

Michelle Gregory said...

your last line makes me want to keep reading. great stuff.

thanks for stopping by and reading my last line.

Hanna C. Howard said...

A good villain adds so much to a story, doesn't it? And you've done a good villain so well. I love that last image--and the last line. Mmm.

Lilah Pierce said...

Excellent last line! It gave me goosebumps! Great job, and thanks SO much for participating!

Raquel Byrnes said...

OH, that last line got me! Very good last line, I would definitely turn to the next page.

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

Whoah! I so want to know what's going on here. Great dialogue. Great tension. Love it! I don't even need to know what's going on here to appreciate this. It's obvious that something shocking is 'going down'! Nice job!

stu said...

I'm loving the cold formality of the threat at the end.

Susan Fields said...

Christine - thanks for stopping by and reading my last line!

Jemi - giving the nasty guy his just rewards is one of my favorite parts of writing. :)

Anne - Thank you, and it's great to see you back in the blogosphere!

Joanne - Thanks!

Susan Fields said...

Charity - Thank you!

Lynn - Thanks!

Amie - I love critique partners! I'll stop by your blog for a visit very soon.

Jai - You'll just have to read the book when it's a worldwide bestseller... :)

Elaine - Thank you!

Catherine - Thanks!

Susan Fields said...

Bryan - Thank you!

Sharon - I've been so caught up in Kessler so long I haven't thought much about Seventeenth Year, but after skimming through it looking for last lines, I'm really anxious to get back into it!

T.J. - I'm planning to post about your contest either today or Saturday to let other bloggers know. Glad you liked Angelina's lip. :)

Susan Fields said...

Mary - Thank you!

VR - I don't know why bad guys are so much fun to write, but they sure do spice things up! :)

F and M - So happy I gave you shivers! :)

Michelle - Thank you for stopping by, too. I've really enjoyed visiting other blogs and reading everyone's last lines!

Susan Fields said...

Hanna - Thank you! And thanks for stopping by. :)

Lilah - Thank you so much for hosting! This was my first blogfest and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Raquel - Thanks!

Susan Fields said...

AA - thank you! This was definitely a fun little scene to write.

Stu - thanks!

chopchop83 said...

yes, bad boys are always more interesting aren't they??

Susan Fields said...

Ed - you're back! It's so good to see you back in my comments - you've been sorely missed. Thanks for stopping by, big bro!

DL Hammons said...

As last lines go...that was a HOMERUN! Excellent scene. :)

Talli Roland said...

I loved this snippet, Susan! It flowed very well and with that killer last line I definitely want more!

Susan Fields said...

DL - Thank you! I really enjoyed your last line, too.

Talli - Thanks! I haven't worked on this ms in a while, but soon I'll dust if off and polish it up and see what happens!

Bossy Betty said...

Ohh...shiver! This one would make me lose sleep!!!

T.J. Carson said...

Dear lovely Susan,

TAG! You are it. Check my blog to hear the rules of this game.

<3,
Me ;)

VKT said...

Wow....you are really good! Do you publish? I assume you must!

Dawn Simon said...

Eek! That's really good. I love the last line!

Susan Fields said...

Bossy Betty - Trust me, it's not that bad - no need to lose sleep!

TJ - Fun! I'll be posting this soon.

VKT - Thanks so much for the wonderful compliment! I'm not published yet - but I'm working hard on it!

Dawn - Thank you!

That Rebel with a Blog said...

Wait a minute, I thought Kaden and Ellis were friends. Ouch. Guess the gloves came off. That last line is a killer and he definitely does NOT sound like a friend! Good job!

Theresa Milstein said...

This end is such a tease. Sounds like there may be a sequel!
I hope you had a good rest of revision week.

Susan Fields said...

Rebel - Kaden's definitely not a friend, but Ellis found this out a little too late...

Theresa - Thanks, I did have a good revision week. I didn't quite finish everything I wanted to, but I'm hoping to today. And this is a chapter end, not the book end - I wouldn't be that cruel!

Jen said...

You are hilarious over at TJ Carsons blog doing the Famous Friday Winner contest!! You make me laugh!!!

I love this blogfest!!! You did a brilliant job, and a wonderful last line!

Susan Fields said...

Jen - I don't know why Angelina Jolie's lips came to me, except someone on the contest before talked about Jennifer Aniston. I'm really not even a big Brad Pitt fan. Thanks so much for your kind words about my last line - I had a lot of fun with this blogfest. I'll definitely be signing up for more in the future.

Hema P. said...

Wow, Susan, a very powerful last line! Now, I can't wait to read the rest of your epic story. Looks like you came out of your blogcation with flying colors. Congratulations! :)

Crimey said...

Susan, your line last is gripping. It makes me want to read more, also makes me hate the spy, and I am immediately sympathetic towards the protag. That's doing a lot.

Susan Fields said...

Hema - hopefully you'll be reading the rest of my epic story soon! :)

Crimey - Thanks so much! Everyone's great comments have been so encouraging to me - I love this blogfest stuff! :)

SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

Nice last line. So much going on in this scene - both spoken and unspoken. I liked it.

Susan Fields said...

Rebecca T. - Thank you!

Guinevere said...

Oh man, this is quite the cliffhanger ending! You made me want to read what comes before AND after!

Susan Fields said...

Guinevere - thanks! That's so nice to hear. :)